07-02-09

What I’m Reading Now: Player Piano, by Kurt Vonnegut

People say to me, “Kev” (that’s what they call me back home, is “Kev”), “Kev, you are such an eternal optimist and lover of things. Tell us, though, isn’t there anything you don’t like about the stuff you love? Or are you just the blind-faith follower of pop culture like we all assume you are?”

Well, I am happy to report that, yes, in my world made up of silver linings, there are definitely some dark clouds. The thought occurred to me yesterday at the gym when a song by one of my favorite artists came up and I launched my hand toward the skip button lickedy-split. See, many, many people assume that I sit in my hammock of pop-culture daily, sipping Kool-Aid and forgiving my idols their trespasses just because they’re my idols. This is not the case! For me, it’s just more fun to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. In this case, “eliminate” means “delete.” From my iPod. Which I did not ten minutes after I left the gym.

But yes, deliciously for some, there is stuff I hate about the stuff I love. And today, because it’s such a perfect day, I’d like to share it with you.

Stephen King. 1. Dreamcatcher as a whole. The book starts off not bad – not great but not bad, an It-like story about four boys and their lifetime bond – and then devolves into this morass of byrus and aliens and ripley and a crazed military guy named Colonel Kurtz. No, I’m serious. Easily his most major failure in a novel, and unlike something like The Tommyknockers, which just needed some hardcore editing, there’s no real fixing Dreamcatcher.

2. “The Ten O’Clock People” – a short story in Nightmares & Dreamscapes. I don’t understand how this atrocity of fiction got published. It reads like someone doing a bad parody of what they think a Stephen King story reads like. One of the worst things I’ve ever forced myself to finish.

3. His tiring insistence on tying everything into the Dark Tower. Steve, we get it. The Tower is the nexus of everything. But while it worked well in Insomnia, I think the Dark Tower stuff was a distraction more than anything in Hearts In Atlantis, and I really, really didn’t need you tossing connections in The Colorado Kid or “Ur.” Lay off for awhile, please?

Bruce Springsteen 1. One song, every album. On every Springsteen album except for two, there is a song I just can’t stand. Greetings has “The Angel,” Magic has “Last To Die,” Tunnel of Love has “Cautious Man,” and the most egregious offender, Devils & Dust has “Silver Palomino,” his worst song ever. Imagine someone lying drunk in the corner and mumbling vowels. That’s “Silver Palomino.” (The two albums I can listen to all the way through are Born in the USA and Darkness on the Edge of Town.)

2. His fans. This I can’t lay on him, but seriously, Springsteen fans are batshit insane. According to them, Springsteen has never done anything particularly worthy since 1978, and his decision to start playing stadiums is akin to him burning babies alive for sport.

3. Backing politicians. I don’t care if I like the politicians he’s backing, I don’t want him doing it at all. I love him spouting his political opinions – I’m all for that – but backing specific people really strikes me as limiting and dangerous. And his song “Last To Die” shoehorned one of John Kerry’s political taglines poorly into a song that simply doesn’t work.

Barenaked Ladies 1. Everything has to be funny. This got more intense in later years, when they began doing more serious songs with more frequency. The absolute worst came in the song “Pinch Me,” a terrific little song about suburban ennui, which threw in the line, “I just made you say underwear.” Sure, it’s goofy fourth-grade fun, but the song didn’t need it and was damaged by it. See also “Adrift,” “Something You’ll Never Find,” etc. We get it, BNL, you’re hilarious Canadians. Now calm it.

2. Splitting up the group. I’m not saying I won’t listen to their new album, but Steve Page seems so integral to the group that it’s going to be completely different without him. I think it was a mistake to split up, seemingly because of Page’s big cocaine scandal.

Chuck Taylors 1. Two-tongues sneakers. Seriously, Chucks, what the fuck? Why do we need two tongues on our sneakers? It seems like the sneaker equivalent of popped collars. It’s ridiculous and it looks stupid. But not as stupid as

2. One-Stars. This knockoff of the normal brand is such an offense to the eye it’s hard to look at it. It looks like it was manufactured in the back of a van.

Dr Pepper 1. Diet Cherry Chocolate Dr Pepper. I still can’t get over how grody this soda was. I mean, I like chocolate Coke. Why is this so absolutely vile?

2. Berries & Crème. Cough syrup in a Dr Pepper bottle. This was like Moxie if Moxie was even grosser.

Disney 1. The Sword in the Stone. I am appalled this movie exists. It’s called The Sword in the Stone, but neither the sword nor the stone appear until literally the last ten minutes of the film, and neither does the indication that they are in any way important. Plus, the movie is just a mis-mash of bizarre vignettes that add up to so much of nothing.

2. Fantasmic. This show is maybe my favorite fireworks spectacular in the parks, and is the favorite of many. But as a way to save some pennies, they reduced the show from nightly to two or three nights a week. Worse, no one knows what those nights are going to be in advance, so it’s practically impossible to plan a Disney vacation with Fantasmic in it.

3. Inflated inflation. Disney has a pattern of raising the price of theme park admission every August, no matter what. Chances are good that they’re going to do it again this August, which is a little beyond the pale.

Star Trek. 1. Ferengi episodes. Especially “Profit and Lace,” easily the worst thing with the Star Trek name on it. Note, though, that when Ferengis are given actual stories beyond just, “Isn’t Ferengi society hilarious?,” they’re fine. Usually.

2. Picard’s sometimes a total wuss. No, you don’t need to fucking communicate with the Crystalline Entity. It killed like a zillion people, Picard. You don’t reason with the fucking Death Star, you just kill it.

3. Enterprise and at least half of Voyager. Voyager definitely had some kick-ass episodes, especially when they brought Seven of Nine on and the show had three and a half good actors instead of just two and a half. But Enterprise was an abortion of bloat and poor concepts.

Starbucks 1. Price. It’s a little cliché to complain about beverage prices at Starbucks, but seriously. I pay it, but I don’t always like it.

2. The neverending coffee smell. If you’re there for any length of time, your clothes end up reeking of burnt coffee smell. Which is awesome if you don’t like coffee.

Now, here’s where you come in. Have I ever bored you with my incessant talk about how awesome something is? Chances are, there’s something I can’t stand about it. Throw something at me and I’ll let you know.

Tomorrow, if I’m up for it: Stuff I Love About Stuff I Hate.

Kev